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I suffer from what some may regard as an over-active conscience. Since the age of eight or nine, I have experienced a keen awareness of my shortcomings, faults, failures and sins. Every lie to my parents, every time I put down one of the neighborhood kids weighed heavy on my heart. As a ten-year-old, I spent hours with my pastor asking for spiritual guidance and resolution. I was continually hoping and searching for a way to feel loved and accepted by God in spite of all the bad things I had done. One day on the way home from a baseball game, my pastor gave me the first component of what I needed. He read to me Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 13:12 NIV, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." This verse helped me to go on, to trust in God's love even when I couldn't see a way that God could love me. These words have also helped me to realize that there are some things that I won't understand in this lifetime. Paul's vision of a future where "I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" has continued to bring me a certain sense of peace and rest. Now, more than two decades later, God has given me another component of what I need. Through the words of another Bible passage, I have found more rest and peace. A few weeks ago I was invited to join some of the students who attend PUC Prep, as they celebrated Jesus with a special meal and shared the Lord's Supper, taking grape juice and unleavened bread at tables set in the form of a cross in the middle of a vineyard. While I sat at the table, enjoying that Christian fellowship, I turned the pages of my Bible and found 1 John 3:18-20 NIV, "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." By putting my love into action I can set my heart at rest in God's presence. I had never before really caught the cause/effect relationship explained in those verses. My heart still condemns me and I still hunger for rest and peace. However, I am encouraged because God continues to work with me, continues to love and accept me and continues to draw me closer to Him. I'm learning daily how to put my love into action. And He promises that one day I shall know Him as completely as He knows me. I think that only then will I truly find complete rest. That's the day I'm waiting for. Pastor Jon Cicle (11/5/02)
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